Unfinished Dreams

So I’m starting new chapters in life and if we haven’t talked in a while, we should call me!  So I’m finally pulling out of the mess that I’ve been in for quite some time and things are FINALLY changing.  I had lunch with Debbie yesterday and after my talking for just a few minutes, she looks at me and says “I haven’t seen you this happy for years, like since you were in school”.  I thought about this for a minute and realized that it was true, when I started college was the last time I felt this light and free.  So a quick re-cap….

I have left my job at the ACHD.  I LOVED the actual job but as most people know couldn’t deal with certain co-workers.  Unfortunately it took me longer to leave than I would have liked as my supervisor there decided that it would be appropriate to talk to my new supervisor and change my start date at my new job, without even talking to me.  This lost him any respect I might have had for him and I’m ok with that.

I have now been with ELC for a full month and am settling in nicely.  I am finally starting to get a good idea of what my new job will be and taking over many of its responsibilities.  Also within the next few weeks, construction will be completed and my office-mate will be moving into his new office and I will have my own office!

Some of you may know the saga of this fall and Doug.  I am over that, FINALLY.  This is not to say that I am not sad about loosing a close friend, I have just realized that I don’t need to expend anymore energy on him.  I have not seen him in several days and am happy about it.  I wish him luck in life but I am tired of his soul sucking influence on me.  I’ve learned a lot from our relationship; about myself and others’ influence on me and changes I should make in me.  So for those of you who were there for me in the last 2 months while I was trying to pull through, THANK YOU!  I couldn’t have done it without all of your support.

I have also made another huge decision in my life that has lifted my spirits… I am selling my house and moving into town.  I don’t know how long this will take but I am seriously excited to get to live on my own and not have to drive half an hour to see everyone.  Its lots of work right now to get ready to put it on the market but it is work I am happy to do.

The other difficult relationship in my life has gotten much more difficult over the last few weeks, I didn’t know that was actually possible, but hey surprises all the time!!  I am of course talking about my parents.  About 2 weeks ago, I was telling my mom my decision to sell my house and she started to tell me how I shouldn’t.  And when I asked her what my happiness was worth, she told me that i just needed to accept my lot in life.  I was so shocked that she would tell me to settle for less than happiness, so I questioned her further.  After talking for over 2 hours about my childhood and what is wrong in my life now, she still doesn’t care that I feel constantly controlled by them and blamed me for my father’s current depression issues.  This was the last straw for me, I have let my parents know that I do love and care for them greatly and that I know they have always done what they thought was best; however now I need space and the ability to figure myself out without them in my ear telling me who I am, was, or should be.  Its the first time I have been able to tell my mom how I feel about my life without getting angry and starting a fight, I was calm and collected and dare I say eloquent.  It feels good to finally tell them how I have felt for years.

So I have to step back and laugh at myself for a minute.  I am getting so much happier and it feels so good.  But at the same time I’m still the same crazy, fuck-up that I’ve always been.  I don’t have my shit together but I’m getting there.

And funny enough in getting there, a seriously sweet guy in my life has become more to me than he used to be, I’m loving our time together!

So I guess what I’m saying is I’m happier and things are getting better, I’m finding the light at the end of the tunnel.  Its been so long since I had this sense of hope that it is almost euphoric.  I just hope to be able to hold onto it through the winter.  Bottom line, if we haven’t talked in a while, we should!